I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
