mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
