I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
