Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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