I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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