best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
