Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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