We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
