Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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