hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
