He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
