Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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