I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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