The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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