I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.