I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
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i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
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Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911