My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!