my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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