i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you had me at cake vodka
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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