once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
