She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
