eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
