Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
