yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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