oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
