i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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