I have demons in me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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