This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
