so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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