Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
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You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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