in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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