it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
