The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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