Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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