he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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