True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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