Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
