Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
