Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
