He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
