It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
