Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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