Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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