don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
