yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
