i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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