She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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