sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I wear drunk well.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
