ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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