my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
