A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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