The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
