i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
