you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
