That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
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Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
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I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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