I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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