Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
